No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm like, not good at living.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
