Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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