I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
