I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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