Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
