how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
