Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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