I like to think it a success when the cops are called
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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