We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
