How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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