i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
