Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
