So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
