She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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