we're chasing vodka with high fives
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
