i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
