was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
