is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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