NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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