your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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