I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
