Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
