Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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