Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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