my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
