I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
