There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Randomize
