Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
