I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
