Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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