can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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