K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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