worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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