i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
