none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
