I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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