Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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