Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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