Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
