I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
