I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
