Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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