There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
