I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
