laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
