the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize