I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
