I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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