I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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