So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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