dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
