i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
