My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
