I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
