bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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