proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
you had me at cake vodka
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
