i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
